Can Your Relationship Survive Infidelity? And Should It?

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Trust. It is the foundation of any relationship. There are few things that can break the trust in a relationship as well as cheating can. Now, is cheating a deal-breaker? Not necessarily. It certainly doesn't have to ring an end to a normal healthy relationship.

Have you been cheated on? Before you end your relationship, it is important to think carefully and consider the circumstances. Consider your partner as a whole. Is he/she otherwise honest? It won't be easy, but if you trust your partner and feel that they are truly remorseful, you may want to consider working through the infidelity to keep your relationship.

By the way, if you're thinking of divorce, I have a Divorce Survival Toolkit that has crucial information for you- get it here.

But what if they have a track pattern of infidelity and other dishonest behavior? If so, you first need to decide if you are willing to stay. If you do decide to stay, it is important that both you and your partner are willing to work together to get to the root of these issues. Sit down together and establish game plan, such as couples' counseling. Know that if they cannot be open, honest and willing to admit that there is an issue, counseling won't be effective...and their dishonest behavior is likely to continue. 

While considering your partner, don't forget to consider yourself. Think about how being cheated on made you feel. Can you forgive them and let go? If not, that is perfectly okay. Think deeply about yourself and the principles that you value and live your life by. You might feel that this is the ultimate betrayal and that you cannot stay with your partner. There is no point in staying in a relationship if you know that you won't be happy. If you decide to stay, know that your feelings of hurt, betrayal and disappointment will fade with time as long as both you and your significant other work together to rebuild the bridge of trust that once bonded you together as a couple.

What To Do When You Are Wrong

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Admitting that you were wrong is one of the toughest challenges many of us face. It can be especially difficult when facing someone that means a great deal to you. It is counter intuitive though when often ceding this bit of ego can often be the best remedy for a wrong. There are many psychological reasons for this behavior and it comes naturally to most of us. The confidence required is a learned trait and here are some of the ways that you can master it.

By the way, if you're thinking of divorce, I have a Divorce Survival Toolkit that has crucial information for you- get it here.

Admission

Taking a moment to own up to your mistake is the first and most important step but also probably the most challenging. Something to think about to make it a bit easier is the positive outcomes. There really are no mistakes in life, only opportunities to creatively solve problems and to learn. We all are all going to be wrong about something, but stopping and learning is a huge advantage. Take your wisdom with you to your next opportunity. The chance for reconciliation is the other positive. While there isn't always room for reconciliation, it is almost impossible without admitting your fault in the first place. Focus on these positive consequences rather than the negatives and it becomes easier to face the music.

Remember Your Strength

There is always an easy way and a correct way and the correct way is always the better choice. Owning up to your wrongs is the correct way but this also gives you power over your wrongs. This requires strength and is a major self esteem booster. Many people struggle to access this strength but we all have it and in this process it is important to remember how you've set yourself apart. Confident people make confident decisions and people will recognize this and it is important that you do as well.

Assuming Control

While it is true that you have very little control over the consequences you'll face, you are able to control how you respond to them. By admitting you're wrong, you are essentially putting the ball in someone else's court. You are upholding your end of a trust bargain and they have to reconcile how they choose to respond. Once you've assumed this position, you can accept that you've done what you can. Putting yourself in a favorable position is always a good choice as well. For example, if it's at work, being a good employee or coworker is a great way to have leeway to make mistakes.

Your Quality

Being wrong about something doesn't make you as a person wrong. Low self-esteem will cause you to reinforce your beliefs about yourself which leads to guarding against being wrong, even to ourselves. There is always a chance to show your quality and remember, every human ever has made a mistake, so you're not alone. You probably even have someone in your life who has wronged you that has remained in good standing despite their mistakes. If you're capable of this empathy, other people are as well.

Making It Right

You can't right every wrong in the eyes of another person, but you can always make it right with yourself. If you upset someone in the workplace, ask them what you can do to not make the same mistake in the future. Learn your boundaries with that person and respect them. If you gave a poor performance at something, be it a test or a work project or something else, either do better next time, or find a way to redo it and fix the mistakes. Don't be afraid to ask someone how you can make it right either. In the end, finding peace with your wrongs is the best way to make it right for everyone involved, including yourself.

Admitting that we are wrong is a difficult lesson to learn. For some people, it comes a bit more naturally but all of us have to go through the process. Practice is the only way to get better so make sure to fit these tips into your routine and eventually you'll reap the rewards of your efforts. You'll see your relationships improve, better career performance and much higher self-esteem and there is very little that is more invaluable.

How to Make Downsizing Fun After a Divorce

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If you've recently went through a divorce, you may have thought about downsizing your home? Homeownership comes with its rewards but it can also be challenging if the mortgage is larger than your new budget. Maybe you've thought of getting a smaller house but then you remembered you the children. However, with the right mindset, you can reduce your mortgage costs with children. You just need the right "selling points" to make this work. Here are three:

Savings

Obviously, when you downsize you will save substantially on your mortgage. With the extra money you'll pocket every month, your family can enjoy nicer or extended vacations. Or there may be long-term financial benefits. The savings can help pay for future educational goals of your children. Maybe one of them has always wanted private music lessons or karate classes. Whatever the case may be, you will have a bit more wiggle room for all those things kids always want. Use this as a selling point with them. 

Family time

Nothing says family time like being closer together physically. When you downsize, chances are you can get a little bit closer to the kids. Some of the children may need to share a room, depending on how many you have. Your new home may have only a living room instead of both a living room and family room. This can be a positive experience if you promote doing more together as a family.

Highlight "special feature"

Just because you're downsizing to a smaller home doesn't mean you won't find a plus in the new home that your current home doesn't have. For example, maybe you can find a downsized home that has more yard space, more privacy, or even a pool in the backyard. Or if your current home is not close to other houses, the new one may have close neighbors, which means other kids to play with. You may find a home that is smaller but has a unique loft that your kids will love to fix up and make their own. Look for something special in the new house and sell that to the family. Downsizing with kids is certainly a bigger challenge, but your perspective makes all the difference. With a little work, you will have the whole family excited about the idea.

I offer a 45 minute complimentary Clarity Session to show you how I can help you. Click here to book your session now!

3 Financial Considerations To Make in the Process of Divorce

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Your financial state does not have to be ruined by divorce. In fact, it can be easy to take charge of your finances by following some of these simple steps:

  1. Go Through a Professional and Bring Your Documents: There are a couple of documents you are going to want to go over with a professional. For example, your will, which you are going to want to change. It should be reviewed so your spouse is not benefiting off of it. Also, be sure to go over your documents, such as your life insurance policy, 401K, and IRA to ensure that the beneficiaries are matching how you want. 
  2. Think About Health Insurance: If you were getting health insurance through your spouse's workplace, then health insurance needs must be reconsidered. Are you going to be able to afford your own private health insurance? Are their programs you are eligible for to receive health insurance at more affordable costs? This is something you can discuss with your financial planner specializing in divorce and figure out how you might be able to factor these new costs into your budget. 
  3. Get Statements for All Debts: Any debt that you are tied to with your spouse, even if they were the one making payments on it, you are still responsible for those payments being made if you were a co-signer. This includes statements for the mortgage, credit cards, the car, and more. You want to work towards separating these accounts, but also ensuring that they are being paid for in the meantime so it does not affect your credit, which can only damage your financial plan post divorce. 

Taking charge of your financial situation in the process of your divorce can certainly empower you and make this life transition easier on you not only financially, but emotionally, as well. 

I offer a 45 minute complimentary Clarity Session to show you how I can help you. Click here to book your session now!

Stuck in the Middle: Kids and Divorce

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Divorce is stressful. There is a lot on your plate between maintaining your job, dividing all the assets, figuring out living situations, and determining custody agreements. Even if you were the one that asked for the divorce, there is some sadness too. It's a major chapter of your life coming to an end. It's easy to forget how much your child's life is changing too. While doing your best to keep all the sadness and hurt from them, trying to keep their schedule as normal as possible, and never bad mouthing the other parent, your kids are still stressed too. 

Even if your kids knew everything wasn't happy in your marriage they still won't understand why it's happening. They will internalize it. They will spend a fair amount of time wondering if they could have stopped it. It is so important to keep the lines of communication open with them. What details you reveal are at your discretion, but some form of, "mommy and daddy grew in different directions, and while we don't love each other anymore, we both still love you very much," is important. Kids need that reassurance, and often. 

Little kids can sometimes hold very unrealistic expectations; such as asking if you can all still live together. Their entire world is often centered on us and how we behave. Keep that in mind always. The way you talk to your soon to be ex in front of them, and how you talk about each other to them, will be remembered. As much as you want the divorce to be over or as angry as you may be, the kids don't need to see it, not now. When they are older, late teens to adults, they are more capable of having a conversation about how you felt, but now they not only can't understand, but they will internalize. 

Divorce for kids means their entire way of life has ended. Consider (if possible) a civil friendship with your ex until the kids are older. If your kids play sports, are in band, or anything other event you go watch, if you and your ex can't sit together your kids will have to choose who to run to first. That kind of decision can be crushing for them. Their time with their parents is now limited. They will have different rules and expectations at both houses. They will have a lot of their own emotions tied in as well. As hard as this is for you, it is just as hard on them. Make sure you acknowledge that to them, and try to help them through it too. 

Your kids will survive your divorce, but they will need your help to do it. Don't minimize their suffering (by accident or by choice) because they are young, and don't compare it to yours. 

I offer a 45 minute complimentary Clarity Session to show you how I can help you. Click here to book your session now!