Can Your Relationship Survive Infidelity? And Should It?

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Trust. It is the foundation of any relationship. There are few things that can break the trust in a relationship as well as cheating can. Now, is cheating a deal-breaker? Not necessarily. It certainly doesn't have to ring an end to a normal healthy relationship.

Have you been cheated on? Before you end your relationship, it is important to think carefully and consider the circumstances. Consider your partner as a whole. Is he/she otherwise honest? It won't be easy, but if you trust your partner and feel that they are truly remorseful, you may want to consider working through the infidelity to keep your relationship.

By the way, if you're thinking of divorce, I have a Divorce Survival Toolkit that has crucial information for you- get it here.

But what if they have a track pattern of infidelity and other dishonest behavior? If so, you first need to decide if you are willing to stay. If you do decide to stay, it is important that both you and your partner are willing to work together to get to the root of these issues. Sit down together and establish game plan, such as couples' counseling. Know that if they cannot be open, honest and willing to admit that there is an issue, counseling won't be effective...and their dishonest behavior is likely to continue. 

While considering your partner, don't forget to consider yourself. Think about how being cheated on made you feel. Can you forgive them and let go? If not, that is perfectly okay. Think deeply about yourself and the principles that you value and live your life by. You might feel that this is the ultimate betrayal and that you cannot stay with your partner. There is no point in staying in a relationship if you know that you won't be happy. If you decide to stay, know that your feelings of hurt, betrayal and disappointment will fade with time as long as both you and your significant other work together to rebuild the bridge of trust that once bonded you together as a couple.

Keeping the Spark Alive

Couples and Relationships: Keeping the Spark Alive

 Relationships can grow stale over time, especially when you have lived together for years. Keeping the spark alive is no easy task and can be a huge stumbling block for couples in a relationship. You may feel unattractive to your partner from extra weight or wrinkles gained over the years, but looking good, while maybe helpful, is not what keeps passion alive - a true connection, loyalty, and love are what fuel the flames in any marriage. Here are 3 tips for keeping the spark alive in your relationship.

Some Like It Hot

Keeping the passion alive requires effort. Go out of your way to create a clean and harmonious home space for this is the setting for your romance. Try to make sure all rooms are neat and free of clutter. Decorate with pinks, reds, and whites to spark some loving feelings in the air. When you feel comforted by your surroundings you are more likely to get in the mood. Make sure that you have a warm and cozy bed with clean sheets and pillowcases.    

Date night 

Making a weekly date night, or at least monthly time, to go out to dinner and enjoy yourselves is so important. If you don't have the money, it's good you're here, have a date night at home. It's great to sit down for a meal together as a couple, talk, and look into each other's eyes. Use this time to plan your dreams, discuss your passions, or even plain old small talk will suffice. The concept is to carve out time for both of you to relax and enjoy each other's company. 

By the way, if you need some support on your marriage, I offer a free call to help you clarify things- schedule it here.

Between the sheets

Sadly a healthy sex life is something a lot of people lack. It's important in a romantic relationship to share affection and yes, sex is important sometimes too. If you have to mark your calendar then do so. Spontaneous sex is always great but it's not always necessary. Sexual relationships are good for the soul. Sex is a healthy function of the normal adult and a healthy sex life should be striven for in your relationship.

 

There are infinite ways to spice up your relationship and keep the spark alive. Your life together is much more exciting when passion is important to both of you. Create a safe and clean space, carve out 'together time,' and have fun. Contact us for more information about couples, relationships, and financial planning.

How to Build Communication in Relationships

Relationships aren't always easy, however, they are often made harder by a lack of communication. This is essential in cases of arguments. Whether it's about money, personal values, or a need for something in the relationship, communication is often at the heart of the issue.

Communication starts with a mindset. We are a team. If you get in an argument with your significant other and you go into it thinking of your loved one on the other side, you will almost never come out ahead. Instead try approaching these issues with a sense of "This is the situation, we should work together to build a solution."

By the way, if you need some support on your marriage, I offer a free call to help you clarify things- schedule it here.

Sometimes arguments get messy and communication goes out the window. To solve this set up rules you can both agree to at the start of the discussion. Here are some examples:

  • No inappropriate language.

  • No name calling.

  • Start claims with "I feel like..." so that it feels less like an attack on the other person.

  • No interrupting.

Sometimes not all of these are possible but its important to make sure the other one feels understood and not attacked. This applies not just to arguments but to everyday conversations.

Communication is important outside of disagreements as well. Building communication now can even make arguments easier to handle in the future. Here is how to build communication outside of arguments:

  • Ask how the other's day was and be sure to listen.

  • When making plans make sure the other person knows about it.

  • Give them 100% attention when they are talking to you. This means no playing games on your phone when they are telling you something.

Communication is an important part of relationships, the good and the bad times, so make sure you and your partner know you can talk to each other openly and work together as a team to build better communication in your relationship.

Betrayal and Mistrust

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The roots of trust are built in our childhood, where we learn to receive consistent, predictable care from our parents. Trust is built on order and predictability, which makes it even more psychologically traumatizing when that trust is broken.  Studies have shown that psychological traumas (like discovering an affair) can have an effect on brain functioning long after the event has happened.  One of these common changes is the development of hyper-vigilance to prevent further assaults. Being hyper-vigilant is a survivor perspective, it protects us from harm.

By the way, if you need some support on your marriage, I offer a free call to help you clarify things- schedule it here.


These behaviors are commonly acted out by the partner who has been betrayed, by being looking for and being ultra aware of any change in behavior or pattern from their partner.  Unfortunately, being hyper-vigilant is non discriminating. This puts us in a position to mistrust everyone around us- other family members, co-workers, spiritual leaders. This is harmful to our social connections- how can we prevent ourselves from mistrusting everyone around us after a betrayal?  

 

Moving on after a break up: Not a loss but a fresh start.

Heartbreaks are, well, heartbreaking. The sudden loss of the person you thought would be by your side forever is devastating. You may still catch yourself hearing a joke, so you turn to watch your partner laugh, only to realize they're gone.  

But after you're done comfort binging romcoms and Ben and Jerry's, it's time to take care of you. The loss your relationship leaves doesn't mean the end of your world. It's time to create a fresh start.  

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Here are five steps to take back your life and move past a lost love. You can come out of this smarter, more confident, and more financially stable and prepared for a new love.  

1. Look after your health.  

After a break up it's important to take care of yourself. Now's a great time to start a new exercise routine or get a massage. You could even go all out on a spa day. Try healthy new Pinterest meals or try your hand at meal planning. Meal planning can be a great way to make your food budget last longer too!  

2. Pick up a new hobby.  

Besides taking your mind off your ex, a new hobby is a great way to meet new people. This can spur exciting new friendships and even a potential new romance. Look for classes around your neighborhood. Libraries are a great source for free or low-cost classes.  

3. Reconnect with friends and family.  

No one wants to be that person who disappears in a relationship, but we all do a little. After a breakup, your friends and family are there to support you and help you get back on your feet. Listen to them, and go have some fun creating new experiences. You don't need your ex to have fun.  

4. Spend some extra time focusing on your career.  

Like friends and family, sometimes your career can take a back seat during a relationship. Now is a great time to throw yourself headfirst into the runnings. Keeping busy will keep you distracted which in turn keeps the heartbreak at bay. Plus, a promotion on the horizon is always rewarding!  

5. Make your money work for you.  

Relationships can be expensive! Date nights, little gifts, eating for two, birthdays, anniversaries, if you need some support on your marriage, I offer a free call to help you clarify things- schedule it HERE!

Forgiveness: How and When It’s Ok

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It's common knowledge that forgiveness is often the best policy, but when you're in the throes of a painful experience in which someone you love has done something terrible, it's usually the farthest from your mind. It's hard to separate forgiveness from the feeling of granting permission for the offense, but forgiving can be the silver lining to your damaging encounter. Today we're helping discern when it's ok to move on and how to make it easier to do so.

BY THE WAY, if you need some support on your marriage, I offer a free call to help you clarify things- schedule it here

Evaluate the Offense

Take a look at what actually happened. Identify if the offense is a sensible or legitimate reason to be upset. If your friend came to you with the same situation, would you encourage him or her to respond the same way you've responded? Is the offense reprehensible or are you overreacting to a current situation based on past, unrelated hurts? Sometimes learning when to forgive someone is easier when you're able to look at the offense objectively. If it's not as horrible as your initial reaction led you to believe, you can move toward forgiveness much easier.

Learn Your Lessons

Take stock of what's happened and make a short list of the red flags you may have missed along the way. If you're addressing an infidelity issue, reflect on the signals your partner may have sent to indicate a problem. Review what decisions you made along the way that positioned you where you are today. You can then make positive changes to your decision making moving forward. Knowing that you can learn and grow from a negative experience can help make your transition to forgiveness easier to do.

Forgiveness Is About You, Not Them

Believe it or not, the act of forgiving is more about you than it is the person who's wronged you. We often assume that forgiving and unforgivable act lends permission to the act itself or somehow lets the offender off the hook for having committed it. But actually, forgiveness is about forgiving yourself from the burden of pain, anxiety or hurt the wrong has caused you. It's about deciding not to be held emotionally captive to the pain of the act. You allow yourself to move past the pain and in some cases, away from the person altogether.

Keep your chin up. You may be in pain now, but the liberation of forgiveness is just around the corner. Take a look at how you can be objective, learn from mistakes and move forward. Remember, forgiveness more about freeing yourself turmoil and less about the offender or the act itself.

What To Do When You Are Wrong

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Admitting that you were wrong is one of the toughest challenges many of us face. It can be especially difficult when facing someone that means a great deal to you. It is counter intuitive though when often ceding this bit of ego can often be the best remedy for a wrong. There are many psychological reasons for this behavior and it comes naturally to most of us. The confidence required is a learned trait and here are some of the ways that you can master it.

By the way, if you're thinking of divorce, I have a Divorce Survival Toolkit that has crucial information for you- get it here.

Admission

Taking a moment to own up to your mistake is the first and most important step but also probably the most challenging. Something to think about to make it a bit easier is the positive outcomes. There really are no mistakes in life, only opportunities to creatively solve problems and to learn. We all are all going to be wrong about something, but stopping and learning is a huge advantage. Take your wisdom with you to your next opportunity. The chance for reconciliation is the other positive. While there isn't always room for reconciliation, it is almost impossible without admitting your fault in the first place. Focus on these positive consequences rather than the negatives and it becomes easier to face the music.

Remember Your Strength

There is always an easy way and a correct way and the correct way is always the better choice. Owning up to your wrongs is the correct way but this also gives you power over your wrongs. This requires strength and is a major self esteem booster. Many people struggle to access this strength but we all have it and in this process it is important to remember how you've set yourself apart. Confident people make confident decisions and people will recognize this and it is important that you do as well.

Assuming Control

While it is true that you have very little control over the consequences you'll face, you are able to control how you respond to them. By admitting you're wrong, you are essentially putting the ball in someone else's court. You are upholding your end of a trust bargain and they have to reconcile how they choose to respond. Once you've assumed this position, you can accept that you've done what you can. Putting yourself in a favorable position is always a good choice as well. For example, if it's at work, being a good employee or coworker is a great way to have leeway to make mistakes.

Your Quality

Being wrong about something doesn't make you as a person wrong. Low self-esteem will cause you to reinforce your beliefs about yourself which leads to guarding against being wrong, even to ourselves. There is always a chance to show your quality and remember, every human ever has made a mistake, so you're not alone. You probably even have someone in your life who has wronged you that has remained in good standing despite their mistakes. If you're capable of this empathy, other people are as well.

Making It Right

You can't right every wrong in the eyes of another person, but you can always make it right with yourself. If you upset someone in the workplace, ask them what you can do to not make the same mistake in the future. Learn your boundaries with that person and respect them. If you gave a poor performance at something, be it a test or a work project or something else, either do better next time, or find a way to redo it and fix the mistakes. Don't be afraid to ask someone how you can make it right either. In the end, finding peace with your wrongs is the best way to make it right for everyone involved, including yourself.

Admitting that we are wrong is a difficult lesson to learn. For some people, it comes a bit more naturally but all of us have to go through the process. Practice is the only way to get better so make sure to fit these tips into your routine and eventually you'll reap the rewards of your efforts. You'll see your relationships improve, better career performance and much higher self-esteem and there is very little that is more invaluable.